Silent Night..Life After Loss

I will never forget the day... I was at my family reunion and only my mom knew.  The day before our family cookout, my aunts, my mom and I were at the store getting food and one of my aunts asked me if I was pregnant.  With a huge smile on my face, I told her I was 11 weeks along. Just about done with my first trimester. We celebrated and laughed at the new life growing inside of me. It was really special sharing that moment with my aunts and my mom... I had no idea, you were already gone. 36 hours later I found myself laying on a cold hospital room bed with people in white coats all around me. 

It takes my breath away... how fast life can change in an instant. I was a mess. I was confused. I didn't understand. I begin to take apart the last week of my life. What did I eat? What did I do? Did I walk too much? Did I take a hot bath? What happened to the life that was growing inside of me? Why hadn't I noticed that my breast were no longer sore? Who? What? When? Why? Where?

After making arrangements for the remains of my baby to be buried, we made the 10 hour trip back home. Everything was foreign to me. I struggled to eat and sleep. How was I supposed to settle back into "normal" life?  Depression and sadness overwhelmed me. Despite my best efforts, I could not overcome it. I had so many questions for God. Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? There was a hole in my soul the size of Africa and I had no idea how to fill it. 

And then there was you...

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You saved my life, my sweet baby girl. One day I will try to explain it in a way that you can understand. What I know is that God heard my cries and within six months of the greatest loss of my life, you were there. I remember taking five pregnancy tests. I could not believe it. There was a cautious optimism. Don't get too happy. Don't do too much. No shopping for baby clothes and definitely don't tell anyone. It happened once. It could happen again. I prayed and prayed.. Every month that went by, I allowed my excitement to grow just a little bit more. When I felt you kick for the first time, I knew you would be just fine. Born 11 weeks early at just 3lbs 3ozs, you were a fighter. You were so small but you were here. You knew your mommy needed you to be ok. I thank God for my miracle. My last born. I will never know why I lost my baby. What I do know is that God is merciful and kind and he makes no mistakes. I am grateful. He did not have to bless me with this beauty but he did and I am forever thankful. There is life after loss.